Well. That was quick.
A couple of months after my husband and I had That Discussion about trying for kids, I’m pregnant.
Seven days after my period was due, we figured, over breakfast, that maybe I should do a test. It’s weird how in the last few weeks my menstruation has become something we talk about over breakfast – me cheerily announcing that no, no bleeding yet, him assessing my forehead for tell-tale pre-menstrual spots (no periods for nine months! I can definitely live with this).
So we hotfooted it to the nearest place to buy a pregnancy test. I downed my green tea and two glasses of water, peed on the £12 test stick (I have issues with how extortionate Clearblue is) and what do you know: “Pregnant.”
I headed back into the kitchen, waving the stick a bit manically. “Look! LOOK!” I said, thrusting it in my husband’s face. “Bl-oo-dy hell” was his response. “We friggin did it!”
My big reveal was pretty low key. We laughed, jumped on the spot, high-fived and hugged like the not-sure-really-how-to-do-this-but-we’ll-make-it-up-as-we-go-along pair that we are. Then we went about our day as normal. We are happy and I’m incredibly grateful to get pregnant so soon. I don’t want to take that for granted. We’ve been wonderfully lucky or blessed, or both.
But even so, it doesn’t really feel like this big, life-changing deal, yet. In a way, because it’s still so early, I don’t want to think about it too much (does that make sense?). Maybe that’s some sort of self-defence mechanism, in reserve just in case. I suspect it won’t feel real until we cross that 12-weeks line, and then I can breathe. I imagine that when I get fat, the message that there is a baby growing inside of me, for whom we will be jointly responsible for the rest of our lives, will probably be quite clear.
So far, I don’t physically feel anything – a few cramps, a knot in my stomach. Hours after I took the test, I started feeling dizzy. I have no idea if it’s pregnancy related; rationally, from everything I’ve read, it’s way too soon to be feeling the effects, so maybe it’s just my paranoia. Yesterday, I Googled some of the basics of pregnancy. All these what to eat, what not to eat articles. I can see how easy it will be to feel overwhelmed.
Still, we are quietly, incredibly happy while being cautious at the same time, because I know as much as anyone else that these are early days, and anything may yet happen.
And that’s sort of why I’m writing this blog – because the first three months are so secretive, there’s hardly anyone out there talking about how it feels. I am very much aware of the risks until the first trimester passes. And I’ve made a commitment to be honest, come what may. But it feels strange doing it on our own. It’s strange not feeling like you can ask friends who’ve been through it before because you’re not supposed to say anything yet. It is hard to know what to do and what to expect when you have to sit tight for what feels like a long, long time until you can tell anyone else.
As well as sharing my journey, I’d love to hear from you too. What was it like when you first found out you were pregnant?