My cramping paranoia

My friend, S, is expecting her second baby. I asked her how she felt – she told me that it was just a big relief that the first 12 weeks were up. Apparently some other friends had been having a hard time with their pregnancies, with miscarriages. And that’s why, more so than the first time round, she just wanted the first trimester and the first scan done.

I couldn’t stop thinking about our conversation all the way home, and in the days after. Even now, I’m thinking about it. I’m thinking that I’ve not thought about the possibility of miscarrying. Call me naive, but it’s not the first thing that really crossed my mind in the days soon after. Now, every little cramp I feel (for, I feel them) is making me worry. It worries me, that’s all.

I’m absolutely not blaming S for my worrying, by the way – it’s entirely correct for me to face the possibility that this first attempt may be nothing more than just that, an attempt. I’m glad she spoke truthfully about how it felt for her and, after all, she doesn’t know I’m pregnant. But I have no idea how I might react if it is nothing. So I just don’t want to think about it too much. But then again, I feel I should, like it’s the mature thing to do, to prepare myself for all possibilities and not get my hopes up. The thing is, when you’re talking about a baby, it’s sort of impossible to do.

The same night I spoke to S, my husband said I looked a little spaced out. I told him I wanted to do another pregnancy test. I have no rational explanation for this whatsoever. I’m aware it sounds slightly crazed. But I just felt like I wanted to be sure, have some reassurance, that there’s something there, no matter how tiny it may be. So I took another test. I’m still pregnant.

My paranoia is over for now. But I suspect it will keep hitting me in waves with each and every cramp.

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